Pretty, Fizzy Paradise

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Friday, June 20, 2008

Gratuitous Neptune Perkins Hate Revisited.

Long time visitors of my blog (or folks who have nothing better to do than to spelunk through my blog archives) may or may not be aware that I have an irrational hatred of Dick Grayson A.K.A Nightwing that defies any sort of logic or sense. I admit this and I bask in this. Almost nothing makes me happier than to irrationally hate Dick Grayson. I can't explain it, but well, that's the way it goes.

But the truly observant visitor to this blog may remember that there is one character I hate even more than Dick Grayson and for actually almost rational reasons.

Neptune Perkins.

Now, since I haven't made fun of him in ages. I've decided today is the perfect day to start.

Now as folks may or may not remember, some time back there was a team called Young Justice who were temporarily plagued by a team called Old Justice and the government who, for reasons that were never completely clear, wanted to shut them down presumably for their own safety. Senator (Senator! People actually voted for this dillweed) Neptune Perkins was behind that. This is not particularly notable except that it allowed the following page to be created in Sins of Youth 1:

Now, being a fairly knowledgeable, if still relatively newbie, comic book fan, I actually know that Arthur Curry/Orin of Atlantis/Aquaman is fairly badass and awesome. So I'm not actually going to mock Neptune Perkins for getting utterly owned by Aquaman of all heroes here.

I'm going to mock him for getting utterly owned by the silliest incarnation of Aquaman that didn't involve the real version becoming some kind of undersea tentacle monster. I mean seriously, it's the long hair and stupid-hook-hand version!

It's funny because the 1940s era heroes have such prestige nowadays. Even characters like Sand who are all of twenty-five get their share of respectful nods from the "younger" Silver Age-to-current heroes. Whereas the heroes like Green Arrow, Superman, Batman, Aquaman who ended up transplanted whole in the modern age give up that status. Thus we get fascinating character dynamics such as when Batman and Alan Scott get to team up together.

But anyway, the average 1940s remnant hero always seems to have some level of dignity and seniority. They may fight with the more modern heroes sometimes, they may even be wrong, but they never get utterly owned by their modern counterparts. There is always some amount of respect there even if it's just revolving around the fact that this is one of the earliest superheroes and groundbreakers.

Except Neptune Perkins. Sure Arthur's a king and has an ego the size of Lemuria, Perkins is still a US politician with quite a measure of power and forty years or so more experience as well as All-Star credibility. There is no reason why he shouldn't be able to hold his own.

Except for the fact that he is utterly worthless. Also, he somehow manages to make a widow's peak and stylish grey temples look stupid.

I'm so glad the shark ate him.

I have to admit, I can't quite make fun of this part though:

Because honestly, I totally would have had the same reaction. That would be awesome. Best ability I've heard in ages.

But aside from that? Neptune Perkins totally deserved to get chomped. Heh.


  • At June 20, 2008 1:25 AM, Blogger Patrick C said…

    Hey, I LIKED long hair/bearded/hook-handed Aquaman! I bought that whole series - until Erik Larsen took over anyway.

  • At June 20, 2008 3:36 AM, Blogger Ami Angelwings said…

    I luffed the long hair bearded hook handed Aquaman too! :]

    Not the stories or nething but I just rly liked the look and how he was portrayed in the Justice League books :D

  • At June 20, 2008 4:41 AM, Blogger LurkerWithout said…

    Whe did Perkins get eaten by a shark? During the giant Atlantis fight part of IC?

  • At June 20, 2008 7:42 AM, Blogger kalinara said…

    Lurker: Yep. There's a scan at my original Neptune Perkins hate rant. :-)

    And it was THE shark. But yeah. IC. :-)

  • At June 20, 2008 9:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's the ponytail. Old men politicians with ponytails automatically seem like bigger losers.

  • At June 20, 2008 9:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah, I liked long-hair/beard/hook Aquaman, too. He's still my favorite incarnation of the character.

  • At June 20, 2008 9:59 AM, Blogger SallyP said…

    My God, he looks like Reed Richards with a silver ponytail. How on earth did a guy with a long silver ponytail manage to get elected?

    Actually, I'm not surprised in the least that he got owned by Aquaman. As Scipio has pointed out, Aquaman will not only defeat you, he'll defeat you and make FUN of you too.

    I have to admit that I muh prefer the old Arthur, in all of his orange and green glory. But the toilet joke WAS funny.

  • At June 20, 2008 11:21 AM, Blogger Rob Rogers said…

    Sigh. Guess there's a huge disconnect with us here, Kalinara. I always liked the Young All-Stars characters, including Neptune Perkins, and was hacked off when he died so ignominiously in a couple of throwaway panels. I don't like the depiction of him here, though (and Old Justice was a STUPID idea); my allegiance is to the WWII-age version.

    And hook-hand Aquaman is my favorite. :)

  • At June 20, 2008 12:43 PM, Blogger kalinara said…

    :-) I don't hate most YAS characters, but I think that the comic took way too long in making any of them more defined than a single or two traits for each. (Except oddly enough little Sandy Hawkins, probably because he couldn't be hateful to Tsunami if Tsunami wasn't in that scene. Notably as soon as Thomas decided to resolve the racism, little Sandy was gone. I'll spare you my usual rant on THAT whole issue. Besides, I think I go into it in the comments of the original Neptune Perkins hate-rant.) But for the first twelve or so issues that I read before giving up completely, I got really frustrated. "Okay, Dan's got no confidence, Iron Munro's got a chip on his shoulder and Fury is a moron with issues. I GET IT."

    That said, Neptune Perkins is the single character of that series that I do genuinely dislike with a passion for reasons explained in the linked entry. The others are neat ideas that would have been awesome with more fleshing out.

    I can see the appeal of hook-hand Aquaman, but NEVER Neptune Perkins.

    And I will always be gleeful he got chomped. :-P

  • At June 21, 2008 1:44 PM, Blogger Evan Waters said…

    I half believed it myself- God knows Aquaman's been messed with so much it wouldn't be surprising.

  • At June 22, 2008 11:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think the Lady of the Lake in Camelot 3000 has that power.

  • At June 22, 2008 11:07 PM, Blogger Evie said…

    I could never relate to your Dick Grayson hatred in a million years--except when watching Batman: The Animated Series. Mullet Nightwing makes me go in the other room.

  • At November 30, 2011 10:08 AM, Anonymous muebles en leganes said…

    It's all erroneous the thing you are saying.


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