All-Star, Senator, Fish Food...My Tribute to Neptune Perkins

I don't know if you know this, but out there, in the DCU exists a character that I truly despise with every atom of my being. A character who's very presence has me itching to destroy, maim, and slaughter helpless two-dimensional characters. A character that I hate ten times more than I hate Nightwing and General Glory combined!

This character is Neptune Perkins.

If you don't know who Neptune Perkins is, he is a character that made two appearances in Hawkman comics in the 1940s only to be ditched unceremoniously when, I'd imagine, they realized what a waste of a character he was. He then existed properly forgotten all the way until the 1980s, when Roy Thomas, in what had to have been a fit of hallucinogen induced madness, decided he was worthy of being brought back in All-Star Squadron and Young All-Stars.

To be honest, I can think of any number of Golden Age one-shot characters that deserved a second chance more than he did. Like that thug who masqueraded as Thor, or the mountain man dressed like Santa! Anyone but Neptune Perkins!!!

So what IS the problem with Neptune Perkins, you may be wondering. Aside from the incredibly stupid name?

Neptune Perkins is a DORK and a LOSER.

Now I'll preface this by saying that I've only read the first eight or so issues, so it's possible that this changes, but the man brings NOTHING USEFUL to the team whatsoever. Think Aqualad in Teen Titans except with the added indignity of not even being the best water-user on the team! He sucks in battle, he has no useful skills, and his sole purpose seems to be listening to Tsunami's speeches about peace and pouting when she goes off to do something else.

He does defend Tsunami from her critics, which is good, except there's a strange difference between when he does it and when the others do...

Okay, have you ever met one of those guys who's all gung-ho about a particular cause and you watch him and get the distinct impression that he's only doing this to score with a chick? I'm not saying that men can't take up causes sincerely of course, but there always seems to be this one guy who's sole driving motivation appears to be to get in some girl's pants. As soon as he realizes he's not going to score, or he gets dumped, all bets are off and he'll show his true colors.

Anyway, that's how Neptune Perkins tends to come across for me. And let me tell you honestly, in cases like this, we can usually tell.

Now, while I thought he was a loser before, Neptune didn't really completely earn my scorn until this little number from Young All-Stars #4:



Okay, you know what I said about how we can usually tell when a guy is gung-hoing a cause to get into our pants? One of the warning signs tend to be an extreme enthusiastic overreaction to any sort of offense. The would be feminist, for example, he might be out with the girl in question, overhear some other guy call her a bitch, march over, confront him and probably cause a huge fight when the girl would probably have been all right with just ignoring it. Or telling off the guy herself.

These are the guys who'll go on huge tirades about how Barbie ruins the country, or tell store managers, loudly and in a certain person's hearing, how the faceless mannequins in the windows demean women. Or rant loudly about how only guys who can't get laid ever read girly mags.

The key to this sort isn't what he says but the show he makes while saying it.

Now, in this situation, Sandy definitely deserved some kind of telling off or whap for what he said. Definitely. But he's also about twelve years old, and weird "camera angles" of these panels aside, he's half Neptune's size. He's a child.

I may be jumping to conclusions, but I tend to associate threatening to beat up a child to be a bit of a clue. Oh, and while she's not in those specific panels, Tsunami is of course present in the scene. You can't posture if your audience isn't there.

The fact that Sandy would totally have taken him down is irrelevant. Notice how only Fury is holding back Neptune, while BOTH Iron Munro and Flying Fox are blocking Sandy. Even THEY know who'd win that fight.

The thing about Neptune is that he's got some qualities that could have made him interesting but instead somehow conspire to make him more of a loser. I mean his sodium deficiency could actually have been something really fascinating to explore. It's actually an interesting handicap, requiring he remain in salt-water for a great deal of the time. Unfortunately the most this ever seemed to amount to was angsty whining in a giant fish tank.

I wonder if he had to have that tank when he served in Congress.

To add insult to injury, he's always believed Deep Blue to be his child. (Which...eww...Tsunami actually slept with him?!?!) but it's actually Atlan's spawn. I'm evil because this just leads me to snicker and call him a loser. Again. Even Tsunami doesn't like you!

Before you think I'm being too cruel, realize that even in the modern day Neptune Perkins is still a tool. You remember Sins of Youth? Do you know who organized "Old Justice" together to plague Young Justice and generally make everyone miserable?



That's right. NEPTUNE PERKINS.

Once a tool and a loser, ALWAYS a tool and a loser.

Neptune is no longer with us. In Infinite Crisis #3, poor Neptune met with an end as lame as he was.



I know it's not very nice to gloat about the death of a character that undoubtedly has some very upset fans out there, but this is Neptune Perkins, so all I can really say is...

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. Eat it, Dolphin Boy!