Pretty, Fizzy Paradise

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

This Post is Probably Not For Small Children.

Please see the title. Of course, considering how often I make immature off-color jokes and use the word "fuck" in various conjugations, I'm not sure what kids would be reading this blog anyway. But just in case, you are warned.


What is not commonly known about me is that I have a fairly erratic sleep schedule and sometimes find myself watching very, very late night television. This is not incredibly noteworthy in and of itself, but I've come to realize that the commercials are hilarious.

I mean there's the standard stuff: phone sex, girls gone wild, guys gone wild, cialis, extenze, and so on.

I find it funny what the commercials will and will not talk about even at four in the fucking morning. :-)

For example. Cialis is pretty frank about being a viagra-alternative, but the Extenze commercials are very very coy. To be honest, it was a few weeks before I actually realized what they were advertizing as a "Penis-Enlarger" actually was.

I'm a very literal person sometimes, so well, my first thought was well, the Austin Powers Penis-Enlarging pump. I mean, I realized that it wasn't a pump. But it was a while before I realized that by "extending" they weren't talking Reed Richards.

Guys Gone Wild is hilarious because they really try to pretend the target audience is women. This may be sexist, but I seriously have my doubts that very many women are paying money to see college boys flash a ball. But I may be wrong about that.

Phone sex commercials are great, just to watch the girls try very hard not to SAY they're offering phone sex. Nope. You're just calling for "conversation". Which, in the literal sense is true. But I really don't understand why they don't just come out and say it.

Finally, those finger massager commercials are probably the funniest of all. They go so far out of their way to NOT say what these women are going to use this massager for, to the point where they make no suggestion about its use at all. If I were not a dirty minded pervert, I would honestly not be able to make heads or tails of it. I would know it's battery powered and fits in the purse though.

(Why on EARTH would anyone be carrying that in their purse? A suitcase is too far away? Or you really just need to get away from the office for a while? Honestly.)

(It'd be funny to see someone try to explain it to airport or courthouse security)

They're so vague, that I honestly don't understand why they don't just advertise during afternoon soaps. If you don't know what it means already, you probably won't by watching the commercial. If it's on at four in the morning, why not be explicit? The only people watching are insomniacs, perverts, and/or people like me who'll be too busy snickering like twelve year olds to pay much attention anyway. :-)

Ultimately, though, I think the fact that I think so often about this kind of thing probably indicates that I shouldn't be watching tv so late at night anyway. Heh.


  • At February 11, 2009 8:19 AM, Blogger James Ashelford said…

    Old teacher of mine told me a story about when he worked at a chemists' and a young boy who came in wanting tampons.

    For himself.

    Because he thought they would make him more athletic because all the adverts showed women running and jumping and doing sports and "feeling so free". He thought it was some kind of performance enhancing pill.

  • At February 11, 2009 10:11 AM, Blogger SallyP said…

    Heh. The last time that I spent watching sleezy television commercials was during those beloved 3:00 A.M. feedings of small screaming babies. It sounds as though things have changed, but not TOO much.

  • At February 11, 2009 12:29 PM, Blogger ARS said…

    Throw in the USA Up All Night movie and you have my college years. lol It is like they flip a switch and say it is time for vague sex commercials. Great post!

  • At February 11, 2009 1:28 PM, Blogger The one letter wonder said…

    I too have wondered (sometimes aloud,lol).Why do they show that stuff so late at night. even funnier is watching a program that's really critcal of the crassness of our society and then the first commercial of the break is for cialis or girls gone wild :D

  • At February 11, 2009 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Remember the old rogaine commercials? I was absolutely certain rogaine had to be some sort of penis enlargement drug for years.

    What's so awful about hair-loss that you can't even imply it in the commercial? "Men, we have a drug; ask your doctor about it."


  • At February 11, 2009 6:50 PM, Blogger Erich said…

    James' reply made me think of an old Bill Cosby routine in which he talked about being in terrible pain (I forget whether it was a headache or toothache), and nothing helped until a female friend suggested he try her Midol. Reluctantly, he tried it, and was amazed by how well it worked. He was so impressed, he went into a drugstore and said "Hey, I want some Midol, and it's for ME!"

    Now, when I first heard that Bill Cosby album, I had no idea what Midol was (being too young to know about such things). So while I laughed at his delivery and some of the specific lines from the routine ("The pain...went away! And I tried to make the pain come back!"), I didn't get WHY he was so embarrassed to try it.

  • At February 12, 2009 5:14 AM, Blogger James Ashelford said…

    I ask in utter embarrassment: what's Midol?

  • At February 12, 2009 9:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Midol is a pain reliever which works really well on cramps that are part and parcel of that... special time of the month. Although personally, I prefer ibuprofin.

  • At February 12, 2009 4:32 PM, Blogger James Ashelford said…

    Cheers, Willow-Bee

  • At February 13, 2009 2:35 AM, Blogger Rob S. said…

    I think part of the deal with the pussyfooting about Rogaine's effects had to do with a regulation that said if you were going to advertise the effects, you had to also advertise the possible side-effects. I think a lot of drugs go the "Ask your doctor" route not because they're embarrassed about what they do, but because if they say what they do, they have to own up to what they *also* do.


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