A Letter to all Nice Guys,

So the nice guy letter's making the rounds again. (Ragnell's got a reaction up here.)

Honestly, I know a lot of guys, many of whom are friends of mine, who at some point or another could have written this letter. They're not bad guys, but they are frustrated and unhappy.

The letter's ridiculous of course and represents some utterly abhorrent statements, but I really think that it's just some guy, someone who probably IS a nice person most of the time, venting his unhappiness. It's sad more than anything else, because I don't think anyone's told this fellow (and so many others) what he really needs to hear.

To All the "Nice Guys" of the World:

I understand your frustration. No one likes feeling marginalized or ignored. No one likes being passed up and overlooked. You're not wrong in feeling upset about that.

I genuinely believe that you are nice, perfectly likeable people most of the time.

But I also know why you can't get a date.

It's a fairly common pattern. Guy sees an attractive girl, gets shot down for someone she likes better. It's a part of life. The trick is then to keep asking until you find the right one.

But sometimes the right one never materializes, right? You ask and ask, and you get nowhere! Ever! And each time, she ditches you for some loser who isn't as nice/smart/handsome/whatever as you!

Of course, it's natural to start resenting the girls. All girls. Because you don't really want to deal with the real problem: you.

Don't get mad. I'm not saying it's because you're not nice enough or not handsome enough or not smart enough. For every girl out there who dumps you for the muscle bound jock or pimply faced nerd or cigarette chomping badboy, there's a girl who would gladly date a guy like you. And every so often, she'll even be a girl who matches up to your tastes as well.

(It is, I'd like to point out, perfectly okay to reject an interested girl who isn't what you're looking for. You have every right to look for particular qualities in a woman, you just have to realize that the more specific qualities you seek, the lower the pool of options...that doesn't mean they're not out there though.)

The problem is by this point, you've scared her away.

It's not your fault, not completely. You're frustrated. That's natural. You missed your shot with a girl because you weren't what she was looking for. That's annoying. It hurts. And it's okay to feel that way. But the thing is, you have to let it go. Because if you don't, we'll see it.

Most people aren't terribly good at hiding their emotions and odds are, you're not either. And we can see that you're frustrated and upset and unhappy. We can see the resentment and bitterness and expectation of failure.

But we're not mind readers. We don't know why you feel this way. We don't know how many girls before us that you've asked out and been shot down. We don't know how lonely you are or how much your confidence has suffered. We don't know that you're scared that once more you'll be turned down flat by someone you'd like to get to know. We don't know that the relationships that you have gotten have turned out badly.

We don't know that you're really, most of the time, this really awesome guy that we'd probably really like if we gave you a chance. We don't know anything about you. We don't know that your bad mood here is just because you're afraid of being turned down flat yet again.

We just know that you seem to be bitter and angry with us for something that we didn't do. And honestly, would YOU want to spend time with someone like that?

And maybe that guy in the corner IS a jerk, but well, he's not angry at US. So maybe there's something there for us instead.

We've missed out by not giving you a chance, that's true and it's sad. You might have been the one. But we'll never know now.

It's a vicious and unfair cycle. You've been rejected, you're angry and hurt, you expect us to reject you, act accordingly, and get rejected again. It's awful.

But this is something you can fix. It won't be easy. But you can. All you have to do is let it go. Repeat to yourself: "There are other fish in the sea."

There's the cheesy cliche that confidence will get everywhere. But there's some truth to that. Desperation, bitterness and pessimism are usually turn offs. We don't want to be your scapegoat. We don't want to be your savior.

Keep asking. Don't take it personally when you get turned down. Don't invent reasons. "I wasn't her type" is enough. Try again.

Don't offer to be friends if you don't mean it. We'll take you at your word. If you want more, say so. If you get turned down, try again with someone else.

You will find the right person. You will. It may take a while. You'll have bad experiences along the way. But she's out there.

Just please. Stop sabotaging yourself. You deserve better than that.

My criminal law professor tells my class all the time: "People stupider than you have become lawyers." That works here too. Plenty of people who are uglier, stupider, lazier, meaner and creepier than you have all managed to land the partner they're looking for. You can too.

-Kalinara