Occasional Strawman?

I always find Occasional Superheroine an interesting read and today's no exception. In the entry that caught my eye today, OS points out that "Well, do you have a vagina? No? Then be quiet." is a bad way to have a feminist discourse with a man.

Which is of course true.

This is, however, in response to this post, and honestly, I don't think "Well, do you have a vagina? No? Then be quiet." is the argument that the original blogger is trying to make. I think OS is burning a strawman in effigy here, instead of responding to the actual argument.

"Take a step back" is not the same as "Be quiet."

Women and men are different. I know as a feminist hive-minder, I'm not supposed to say that. We are though. Society programs us differently, it tells us different things, it teaches us how to see ourselves in different ways.

What pings a woman as sexist may not always ping a man as sexist, and vice versa. This does not necessarily make either side wrong, but it does mean that people aren't going to see things the same way.

And the thing is, our society is still fairly patriarchal. It's still male dominated and male oriented. Everything from movies to books to television shows portrays a generally male point of view. (Even things like romance novels or "chick lit", it could be argued, portrays a masculine point of view because female writers are often bound to conventions based on a generally male publisher's idea of what women want to see. The really fascinating thing to do is to compare romance novels to fanfiction. As the latter tends to truly be a heavily female dominated genre without any sort of male publisher or editor quietly influencing the process, it makes for an interesting comparison.)

That means that in the argument about "who sees the other's point of view better", women have a bit of an "advantage". Of course, we'll never know truly what it's like to be a man any more than a man can know what it's like to be a woman.

But the fact that almost everything in our popular culture is expressed from a default male point of view helps.

Am I trying to argue that in a male versus female discussion about sexism, the female voice is always right? Of course not. That would be ridiculous. There are plenty of feminist complaints that I look at and go "...you know, I think this one's a stretch." I've even blogged about them.

But the thing is, since our society still defaults to a male point of view, that means that a man does not necessarily need to see sexism at all. (Similarly a white person does not necessarily need to see racism, or a straight person doesn't need to see homophobia.) This man isn't being obtuse, nor is he a misogynist, (an accusation that gets thrown around far too heartily for my taste) he is generally a well-meaning, fairly open-minded man who doesn't realize that sometimes a handi-cap is necessary because the other player doesn't have the same level of training or materials to be a true opponent in the game.

This guy is usually a feminist. If he understands where female complaints come from, he tends to be fairly sympathetic (though he may not always agree of course). But he doesn't realize that since he's in a position of power at the start, that HIS point of view is considered default, that others are being hurt by this.

It doesn't apply the same way in reverse. A ball-busting feminist doesn't have to understand where male complaints against accusations of feminism are coming from. We already know. Society shows us this every day, from the default comic book magazines highlighting T&A shots (and finally declaring themselves "for men") to the argument that a television show with a female lead is a risk because both men and women can identify with a male lead, but half the audience is lost with a female lead. (That argument STILL exists, which, after years of Alias and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, boggles the hell out of me.)

Saying that a woman shouldn't remark on what a guy considers/should consider sexy doesn't work the same way either. Because, again, our media is very very clear about what straight guys apparently consider sexy. (I would like to emphasize straight here, with a side comment that a gay man and a straight woman probably have about as equal a chance of actually understanding what a straight man finds sexy. And that both groups have, in their own ways, had the images shoved down our throats.)

The place where the situation is somewhat comparative though, is for men who veer away from the traditional masculine ideal. Men who are more emotional or sensitive. Men who are working in traditionally feminine jobs. Men who aren't 100% straight. Those voices tend to be neglected and ignored by mainstream entertainment as well.

At the same time though, the situations are somewhat different too. They both deal with sexism, but they deal with different branches. I don't understand what it is to be a male teacher and see implications that only damaged or sick men become teachers of small children, for example. I don't understand what it's like to watch television and see only caricatures of myself performed in some sort of modern day minstrel show like Will and Grace. If I'm in a conversation about this aspect of sexism, I have to keep in mind that my own experiences may not apply, and that I should acknowledge that there might be underlying factors that I'm not in position to see.

Likewise, in a discussion about sexism as it applies to women, even these men may not see all of the underlying elements.

Again, I reiterate, to the point of redundancy, this doesn't mean that a man shouldn't engage in debates about sexism. I certainly don't hesitate to weigh in on racism or homophobia, after all. I'm saying though that there needs to be the awareness that there may be problems under the surface, and that when we're in the dominant mindset of society (and we ALL are, at some point or another, there's nothing innately WRONG with being mainstream), it is our responsibility to show empathy to the person we're speaking to. Our voices are heard, theirs may not be.

We don't need to agree, but it's very possible to disagree while still displaying respect and empathy for another's specific circumstances. There are ways to say "I don't agree" without dismissing or trivializing another person's point of view. The key is to accept that not everyone's going to see things the same way. And ultimately, accept that very likely you will not be able to change the other person's mind. They've heard, and probably internalized, a lot of these arguments before. It doesn't mean that they're not worth expressing again, but it's usually NOT a new insight.

The issue isn't "Well, do you have a vagina? No? Then be quiet." it's "Do you have a vagina? No? Then please first think." Which, come to think about it, is very good advice for those of us who have vaginas as well.