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Thursday, June 01, 2006

Thar She Slashes!

Okay, I'll say this now. I've nothing against slash fanfiction. Dubious legality aside, I think it's a lot of fun. Or at least good for a damn good laugh.

Especially when it gets graphic, because if there's one thing that really highlights how little men and women actually know about each others' general anatomy, it's reading a homosexual sex scene written by a member of the opposite sex. You can't *do* that with a cervix, guys.

And sometimes it's actually well written, with characters that, aside from who they sleep with, greatly resemble the characters we see in the comic books.

It probably helps that comics allow for a lot of insane excuses to bypass canonical heterosexuality: pink kryptonite, a new type of Poison Ivy's pollen, a weird side effect of the Amazonian Purple Ray (very useful on Themiscyra for thousands of years, I must point out), alien sex ray from space (oh, sorry, that was Flesh Gordon), or Hal Jordan offering an airplane ride. (Which also seems to work on women!) You never even have to bother with the good old "Well, they could be *bisexual*" standby argument when there are such entertaining comic-book-y excuses around.

Also I have a strong constitution. I wrote a planet orgy, I can take strangeness. In fact, I outwardly seek it. And am constantly disappointed when I don't find it.

I mean, come on, would it kill someone to tear themselves away from Batman/Robin (or Nightwing) slash for a second to write some J'onn/Octopus or Lobo/Guy? Please? I've been so very good this year...

But as it turns out, I have limits. I stumbled on something so horrifying that I couldn't open it and read no matter how well written it may be.

Gambit/Nightwing slash.

I doubt it's the only one. It's rather inevitable. Both characters are fangirl-bait after all. I bet if you asked a large group of female fans who's their favorite DC and Marvel heroes, those two would win by a landslide.

But they irritate the hell out of me. I'm not sure why. So I couldn't possibly actually read a slash fic of that pairing, no matter how well written.

...That doesn't mean I can't try writing one!

((Warning: utter ridiculous parody ahead. Written in script format too, because I need the practice, I'd strongly advise you not to proceed.)

A Gambit/Nightwing Magnum Opus, in 10 Panels
Panel 1-The first panel opens onto a moonlit balcony, where Dick Grayson stands, in his Nightwing costume, naturally highlighting every lust-inducing line of his body for the benefit of his over-sexed fangirls. He's not wearing the mask however, as he is in another dimension entirely and has no need to keep a secret identity. Besides, it's for the womenfolk reading. Makes him vulnerable, they like that shit. He is standing, leaning back slightly, the better to emphasize the long lithe musculature, his hair blowing lightly in the breeze. His face is tilted up to the moonlight. Draw him pretty, that's about all he's got going for him since his brains and balls apparently left with Jason Todd.

CAPTION:
"It's been two weeks since I found myself trapped on this alternate Earth. So far we've had no luck in finding a way to send me back. They may never be able to send me back. I feel this crushing weight inside me as I realize I may never see Bruce or Alfred or Tim or Babs or Kory or... "

CAPTION:
"...or Clancy or Donna or Wally or Roy or Cheyenne, or that hot redhead at the bar, or that mail carrier with the really nice..."

Panel 2-Dick has turned away from the moonlight and is looking toward the door with a rare look of irritation. Be sure that the irritation isn't too obvious, of course, we don't want anyone mistaking it for actual fire in his personality at this day and age. Make sure to underscore it with a look of pathos and patheticness. How do you do that? Make the costume tighter, of course, and consider eye-liner. Chicks dig guys in eyeliner.

CAPTION:
"I might be able to accept this a lot more if it weren't for the fact that one of the experiments to get me home resulted in some sort of "forcefield of induced homosexuality". All these amazing redhaired women on this Earth and I'm not interested in *any* of them!

CAPTION:
"It's all my fault. What would Batman say if he could see me now?"

Panel 3-The viewpoint should be from the balcony looking into the room, which is, of course, very dark. One can't angst in bright lights, of course, it causes wrinkles. The door to the room should be open, with bright light from the hallway shining in. A figure is in the doorway. It's Gambit of course, dramatically only half lit because he's a dramatic fellow and likes doorways. He looks dashing and debonair as always, and of course he's still wearing a trenchcoat, despite the fact that he's indoors. Who cares about logic when you've got an over-glamorized cajun ex-thief to delight the fangirls with.

OFF-PANEL (from the balcony, of course):
"What do you want?"

GAMBIT:
Some blend of bastardized "cajun" French and English, written phonetically so as to be completely incomprehensible. Amidst that he's probably referring to himself in the third person. He's one of *those* sorts of people.

Panel 4-The bedroom of course, it remains unlit, for brooding purposes, but conveniently everything is illuminated for the reader with moonlight. Despite the fact that the angle and dimensions of the room do not accomodate this by any actual definition of physics. Gambit and Nightwing are facing each other now. Nightwing looks extremely confused as while he likely speaks quite a few languages, including French and English, he doesn't speak Marvelized-Phonetic-"cajun"-speak, while Gambit looks concerned. And probably a little horny, as he's Gambit with his sexual orientation flipped. For that matter, Nightwing probably also looks a little horny. Tinged with pathos though, remember. Eyeliner.

NIGHTWING:
"I have no idea what you just said."

GAMBIT:
More bastardized pseudo-cajun that actually follows half the rules of Parisian French, half the forms of Quebecois, with just enough bastardized phonetically accented English to make everything completely incomprehensible. Interestingly, there's very little *actual* cajun French in there.

NIGHTWING:
"Uh...huh..."

Panel 5-The two are standing a little closer now. Gambit continues to look concerned and vaguely predatory. Nightwing now looks more curious than confused. Though, don't forget to tinge the curiousity with pathos. Eyeliner, remember.

CAPTION:
"I still had no idea what Gambit actually said, however, having been trained by Batman, I've become adept at reading body language...and his hair does seem a little reddish..."

NIGHTWING:
"I'm fine. Just...got a lot on my mind."

GAMBIT:
Remy, he understands, mon ami. Sometimes 'e feels dat way 'imself.

CAPTION:
"Wow, an actual comprehensible sentence! This might have potential after all!"

Panel 6- The two characters have begun to brood in earnest, neither of them looking at each other, both of their heads turned in order to maximize their brooding potential. Gambit is facing downward, staring downward intensely with his sexy red-on-black eyes. Nightwing meanwhile is facing upward again, his back to us, favoring us with a very nice ass shot. As all the fangirls know, Nightwing has a fine, fine ass.

CAPTION:
"Before I make a move though, I can't help but think once more about Bruce and Alfred and Tim and Babs and Kory and..."

CAPTION (in a different color to denote Gambit's monologue):
"'Fore Gambit make his move, he [insert incomprehensible bastardized French-English "cajun" dialogue here. And many repetitions of Rogue interspersed. With at least one mention of Belladonna.]"

Panel 7- A panned out, slightly overhead view of the characters still in their brooding positions. We should be able to see a window from this angle, one that shows the starry night sky.

Panel 8- The same panel as 7, the characters haven't moved, however the window now shows a pleasant daytime sky. Yes. They're *still* brooding.

Panel 9- Finally, both characters have gotten down to business. Gambit's pulling off his trenchcoat while Nightwing is about to remove his costume. Their expressions are lustful and intense...Nightwing's of course tinged with pathos. Don't forget the eyeliner. We all know what they're gonna be doin' now...

OFF-PANEL:
"Guys! Guys! Reed did it! He fixed the dimensional whos-a-whatits and can send Nightwing home!"

Panel 10- We see Nightwing standing once more on a Gotham/Bludhaven/NYC/whereever the hell he is now rooftop. He's wearing his mask. He is standing, leaning back slightly, the better to emphasize the long lithe musculature, his hair blowing lightly in the breeze. His face is tilted up to the moonlight. Basically trace your panel 1 drawing and stick a mask on him and put him on a rooftop.

CAPTION:
"I'm glad to be back to my own Earth, to see all of the people I never thought I'd see again. I've even got a date with Babs tomorrow and a...rendezvous with Kory on Monday! But I can't be completely happy. A part of me can't stop thinking about all those people I'm never gonna see again: Gambit and Reed and Sue and Johnny and Ben..."


CAPTION:
"...and Jean and Rogue and Mary-Jane and Jen and..."

Fin.

(For the record: I mean no offense to anyone who's actually written Nightwing/Gambit slash. :-))

10 Comments:

  • At June 01, 2006 9:14 AM, Blogger Steven said…

    My god!

    It's even written in the style of Francine Miller.

    Once seen, it can never be unseen.

     
  • At June 01, 2006 12:02 PM, Anonymous ingvild said…

    You know, I used to like both characters. And then I grew out of it.

    That incomprehensible mix really is how they write Gambit's dialogue, isn't it? The way Marvel handles non-Standard or foreign accented English always makes me happy that the only (pseudo-)Norwegian characters are mythological and use thee and thou (because that makes sense...okay, it doesn't), so I don't have to watch them bastardize *my* language in order to mark the character as an EFL speaker.

     
  • At June 01, 2006 1:15 PM, Blogger kalinara said…

    steven: Sorry, man, I did warn ya.

    And he does have a fine, fine ass. Heh.

    ingvild: Yeah, that's basically me too. I mean, I understand the appeal...err, of Nightwing at least. When he's written good (a.la Obsidian Age or Titans) he's very good. But the rest of the time...

    Gambit I kind of liked in the Fox Cartoon when the angsty Rogue romance wasn't quite as played out as in the comics. He's always been a bit of a character to my taste.

    Oh god, can you imagine Marvel writing Pieter Cross. How they would *slaughter* a modern Norwegian accent, I couldn't even imagine.

     
  • At June 01, 2006 3:06 PM, Anonymous ingvild said…

    Oh god, can you imagine Marvel writing Pieter Cross. How they would *slaughter* a modern Norwegian accent, I couldn't even imagine.

    Pieter Cross is Norwegian? I never would have guessed from the name. Peter or Petter (preferably the last) and no 'C' in the last name (we only use that in imported words or names). Petter Kross, I could believe.

    The problem about EFL accents is, of course, that you have to know the first language of the character really well to do it properly. Accent is mostly prominent in vowel quality and stress, and that doesn't translate easily to normal ortography. And of course, the grammar. Mix up the prepositions, concord (e.g. "he are") and use double subjects (e.g. "that guy, he's crazy") and it's both less annoying and more accurate. For Norwegians, I'd also say that mixing British and American would be a good idea (using mostly American, since we get a lot of TV shows and movies from over there and we don't dub anything but children's shows), since often we don't know which is which.

    I'm sorry. I took sociolinguistics this term, and can't seem to shut up.

     
  • At June 01, 2006 4:26 PM, Blogger kalinara said…

    Hmm, I *thought* he was supposed to be Norwegian. Maybe I'm misremembering. Wouldn't be the first time.

    Hmm, according to this he was born in Norway, but it's possible that maybe his father emigrated from elsewhere?

    I wouldn't be surprised though to find that they used the wrong variation of the name though...

    At least his speech is comprehensible though, I can imagine a faint pseudo-Scandinavian accent (I'm afraid I'm no good at telling accents apart so it wouldn't be terribly specific) while reading, I don't need it spelled out with intermingled foreign words.

    Who talks like that anyway? I admit, when I slaughter Japanese, I'll substitute English words when I can't think of the Japanese one, but you won't see me slipping in "Hello," "my friend," "Thank you" or other easy words that I actually know in Japanese.

    Sociolinguistics *is* a lot of fun isn't it? :-)

     
  • At June 02, 2006 11:08 AM, Blogger Shane Bailey said…

    I'm still waiting for the Mogo/Ego The Living Planet Slash.

     
  • At June 02, 2006 3:44 PM, Blogger kalinara said…

    I already wrote that.

    Well, okay, it's Mogo/Ego/Unicron/Zonama Sekot slash. But still. Where've you been. :-P

     
  • At July 08, 2008 1:30 PM, Anonymous Dub said…

    Amazingly funny slash!
    havent read sumth'n this funny since ...ever!
    good job x

     
  • At November 22, 2010 3:58 PM, Anonymous buy kamagra said…

    haha agree with you, It's very funny, I laugh a lot when you said something about homosexual sex write by the opposite sex hahah good speech.

    Thank you good luck.

     
  • At November 18, 2011 8:46 AM, Anonymous Viagra versus Cialis said…

    I think that it is really important, I do not know if I can be more tolerant in the future with my homosexual neighbors!

     

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