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Sunday, May 21, 2006

Random Non-Comic Post

As everyone by now knows, I blog solely on whim with little to no advance planning (unless it's getting good pictures), and every so often my whims take me to weird places. Which it is right now. So instead of talking about comics, I will tell you guys something about myself. Ph33r.

I developed sentience at the age of six years old. I mean that seriously. It was during some class thing where the teachers at St. Peter's brought the kids of the kindergarten and first grade into one big room to talk to us about something. Possibly a tragedy like the car accident that took the life of a fifth grade student, and hospitalized her two siblings. I don't honestly remember. As horrible as that is to admit.

What I do remember is looking around at all the little children and thinking, "Here I am, I exist. Right here. Right now. I'm me. They're Other. Not me. I'm a human being. I think, I feel, I am. This is where I begin and everything else ends."

It was a very strange experience. Like a light switch turning on. It's hard to explain. Before then, I wasn't sentient somehow. The lights were on but no one was home. It was eat, sleep, play. Nothing deeper than that. No self-awareness, no higher thought. I know this because I remember specifically what it felt like to have that change.

No one else I've ever talked to seems to remember a similar moment. That's probably because I was always something of a late developer in a lot of ways. Other people, from the sound of it, grew into sentience gradually from infancy, through toddler hood into childhood.

Not me. Mine just turned on. It was a bizarre feeling. Like everything was *real* for the first time. I was seeing everything around me with new eyes, staring at every single person in the room like I'd never seen them before. In a way, I hadn't. As our principal droned on, I paid no attention. This was much more interesting. This moment, this instant of passing time that would never exist again. No one in this room would ever exist exactly as they were in that single moment again. I thought this as I watched them. They were changing right there, right in front of me. Already.

In the seconds after I'd had my revelation I knew, they'd already changed, moved past that point. And so had I. But now, in *this* moment, I knew it all all over again.

It was incredible. Beautiful. Transcendent. I don't think there're enough words in the English language to describe it. And I'm not particularly skilled enough in any other language to add anything else.

It was my beginning and I could feel it. The feeling had shot straight through me, into my flesh, into my bone, into my blood. It all came together.

I remember blinking a lot.

7 Comments:

  • At May 21, 2006 5:41 AM, Blogger Ragnell said…

    I think that this post should worry me.

    I think that this post does not actually worry me.

    I think that this post should worry me, but it does not, so I should be worried.

    I think that this post worries me, in a roundabout manner.

     
  • At May 21, 2006 5:46 AM, Blogger kalinara said…

    I have no idea what that ultimately means. But it sounds deep so I'll look impressed and hope no one asks me my opinion about it. :-)

     
  • At May 21, 2006 8:52 AM, Blogger Sleestak said…

    Yeah, I pretty much had that after reading the old folk tale 'The King of Cats'

     
  • At May 21, 2006 1:53 PM, Blogger Zaratustra said…

    If we could capture that feeling, bottle it and sell it, we'd certainly be arrested for trafficking.

     
  • At May 21, 2006 1:55 PM, Blogger kalinara said…

    sleestak: Hmm, I don't think I've read that.

    Maybe the feeling would stack. :-)

    zaratustra: Yep.

     
  • At May 22, 2006 12:42 PM, Blogger Marionette said…

    I had it happen too.

    I cannot now recall the circumstances, and I was very young, maybe 5 or 6, but I definitely had a moment where I realised I was self-aware; where it consciously occured to me that I was alive and a thing unto myself, seperate from the rest of the world. I also recall finding the rest of the world suddenly very interesting.

    I have a vague fear that some people never get this far, and never reach sentience.

     
  • At May 22, 2006 3:56 PM, Blogger kalinara said…

    Wasn't it an amazing feeling?

    I think it's probably more that other people just have it kick in more gradually.

    We're melodramatic. :-)

     

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