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Friday, September 19, 2014

Life Lessons I've Learned from Emergency!

As you know by now, when I haven't been staring aghast at Darth Vader's gleaming silver nipples, I've been watching a lot of Emergency!.   Way way too much.

Now I certainly haven't seen every episode, but I think I've seen enough by now to start extracting important life lessons.

So here we go: Important life lessons that I have learned from Emergency!

1. Stay the fuck off of scaffolding

2. Bad makeup is a symptom of the flu.

3. ADHD makes a surprisingly useful subplot resolution.

4. The bigger guy should always be lower on the ladder.

5. It is perfectly okay to get a kid out of a sinkhole by dangling your thinnest member by his ankles.

6.  All is forgiven if you talk like Batman.

7.  Hair on your chest is inversely proportionate to the hair on your head.

8. It doesn't matter how hot you are, one day you will have a caterpillar mustache, sideburns, or Farrah Fawcett hair.

9.  Nurses are scary.

10.  You can get away with being the most sexist dude on the show if you're wearing eyeshadow and your first name is "Kelly".

11.  Pranking is a sign of love.

12.  Rattlesnakes are waiting to kill everyone.

13.  The most deadly weapon against man is the girdle.

14.  Never play with monkeys.

15.  Reality TV Shows were apparently big in fictional 1970s, as characters can watch tv shows featuring other characters that actually appeared during the pilot.

(Or Dixie McCall is just hot enough to be able to be hit on by in-universe fictional men.  Which is perfectly plausible)

16.  Most firemen do not actually have names.  Unless they either a) are paramedics, b) annoy the shit out of paramedics, or c) bear a vague resemblance to Abraham Lincoln.  Otherwise, they use their actor names and LIKE it.

17.  Somehow, even if you manage to suffer radiation poisoning, break a leg twice, catch a plague, get bit by a rattlesnake, get hit by a car, get whacked with rubble, get caught in an explosion, and so on, you still never seem to have any trouble passing firefighter physical fitness tests.

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