Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers, Recap 30: Buzzwang's Folly

Good morning! I'm finally back to doing recaps! Which makes me happy, because recapping is fun. :-)

Today's episode is "Buzzwang's Folly."

This does not bode well.

I hate you, Buzzwang

Oh no. I'm already taking the cheerful opening music as a bad sign. Though at least the music gets a bit darker as we zoom in on some equally dark looking planet. One of the Queen's towers is there, and inside, a humanoid jester appears to be trying to entertain the Queen.

Hmm. I'm torn in my expectations now. In general, I tend to enjoy episodes with the Queen. But equally in general, I tend to hate Buzzwang episodes. Buzzwang is the Nightwing of Galaxy Rangers for me.

Anyway, the jester is introducing "Someone who needs no introduction" but this is belied by a metal hand shoving a card under his nose. It's the usual sort of ego driven spiel "giant among humans" yadda yadda. As it turns out, it's DOCTOR Lazarus Slade.

I do irrationally love Slade. I don't know why. I think it's the music. Also that he's a cowboy cyborg version of Doctor Strange. The Queen seems less fond of him than I am though. Considering that she recoils and calls him a slug.

Slade on the other hand calls her "radiant." This does not win her over. But his daring scheme might. He's obtained a fleet of Andorian hypercrafts that can reach Earth.

Huh, I wonder if this episode was supposed to be before Armada.

Anyway, Slade's planned an all out assault on BETA, and the man certainly does know how to hype himself up. All he needs is 2000 of her most daring crown agents. Would you settle for a girl scout in a canoe?

The Queen's more generous than me and offers 500 Plagos. Slade doesn't like this as Plagos are apparently the lowliest creatures in the Queen's domain, and it takes 100 to make one slaver lord. "And a midget at that." Whoa, that's not PC, Slade. Amusingly the jester keeps trying to mimic Slade's grandiose gestures.

The Queen wants to know how Slade intends to get by BETA's defenses, Slade tells her it's been taken care of. Soon the Queen's crypt will be filled with humans, and Slade will have proven himself worthy to rule at her side. The Queen disagrees.

Why doesn't she just slaver lord Slade?

On Tortuga, Slade is giving an inspirational speech to the Plagos about how everyone says they're lazy, weird and lack discipline, but they're wrong. Wow, Slade, you suck at this. Then again, I'm a Nick Fury kinda gal when it comes to inspirational speeches.

...okay, a cyborg cowboy Howler-era Nick Fury would be the awesomest Galaxy Ranger character ever. I suspect the closest we'll ever have to that is Nat Blake though. How disappointing.

They are enthusiastic at least.

On BETA, Buzzwang, damn him, is pushing a machine while Q-Ball talks to Walsh over a monitor. There's going to be an inspection from some guy who's done budget cuts before. Oh god. Inspections. I'm calling "comedic" hijinx. This is going to be painful. Q-Ball is running a surplus of something which apparently is good.

After Walsh hangs up, Buzzwang shows Q-Ball the thing he's wheeling. Apparently it's a "BETA Buzzbot Houseware and Recreational Unit" Apparently it makes coffee, tea, hot cocoa and soup.

...okay, I hate you Buzzwang, but that sounds damn handy. Especially since I can't cook. You win this round. Q-Ball praises him, but a very mocking voice repeats the praise. Oh no. But Q-Ball likes the project and thinks it's good coffee. But he's busy with his project budget thing.

But it's gone! Oh no! Apparently, Buzzwang tapped into the defense robot program somehow. I don't know if he did that or not, but I kind of suspect Q-Ball blames a lot of his own mistakes on Buzzwang. Then again, Buzzwang's annoying enough that he has to have some benefit. Q-Ball wants to know where seven million dollars can go? That's a legitimate question.

The machine shouts "Soup's on, sucker!"

A strange looking green alien pops up on Q-Ball's screen. Ralph at warehouse seven, apparently. Apparently Q-Ball's new projects are blocking off the whole area. He and Buzzwang go to investigate, while the machine wonders if it's something it said.

I think I like the machine. If Buzzwang is the Nightwing of Galaxy Rangers, then that machine is the Guy Gardner. And there is no Guy Gardner I don't like.

Now we see Waldo and Zozo walking down a corridor with three cute Kiwi kids. Two of them are the girl and boy from the Magnificent Kiwi. (The boy is riding on Waldo's head.) The third is a boy, a bit bigger. Waldo is wondering if this is a good place for toddlers. But they'll only be here for a few hours...

Oh fuck me dead. Kids. Buzzwang. Talking vending machines. Oh no, oh no. Show, why must you punish me for loving you?

At least they're kiwi kids. Kiwi are usually badass.

Buzzwang and Q-Ball are bickering as they head to the warehouse. Buzzwang is saying something about how much could ten little prototypes cost. The storehouse owner disagrees with the number. There are actually 299. That's...not ten. The Kiwi and Waldo have now joined the group for no reason I can fathom.

Q-Ball asks if Buzz disengaged the computer after it built the prototypes. Apparently not. BETA is now the proud owner of 7 Million Dollars worth of tea makers. Seriously, why does Buzzwang still have a job? Buzzwang says there are a lot of different machines. Which apparently include a gumball machine, washer/dryer, a video glorfmaster, whatever that is.

Suddently one of the warehouse machines manages to knock loose a column of boxes, knocking loose a couple of machines. Oh dear god.

Seriously, I mean it. Kill me now.

The "Buzzbots" run off, chased by Buzzwang and the kids, while Q-Ball, Waldo, Zozo, and warehouse guy watch. Q-Ball laments and I feel bad for him because Buzzwang is punishment enough for any man's sins.

The sandy haired station guy who always announces arrivals and departures, and wouldn't that be a sucky job, announces the arrival of the VIP. I love the craptastic computer graphics.

The ship lands quite elegantly, and the fellow coming out is grey haired, becaped, dignified and somewhat corpulent. He is greeted by Walsh, of course, who welcomes "Premier Dutch" to BETA Mountain. He's going to guide him on the inspection.

God, I hate inspection hijinx stories. They invariably end up with the one poor sap who did most of the actual work and actually cares getting shit on in the end.

Dutch looks like he has gangrene or something and "Bahs" at Walsh's welcome, stating that he says that NOW, and he makes no bones about believing that BETA spends too much money. Hmm. I'd like him, but you don't spurn Walsh, damnit. He is awesomer than you.

Ooo, it looks like Nagata is there too. Unless there's another talking brain in the box character I've not met yet. Nagata tells "Joseph" that he's glad he's not in his shoes. Nagata's first name is Owen. Joseph Walsh, who finally has a first name, is not amused.

Meanwhile Doc (a main character! Finally!) is at a vending machine. Premier Dutch gives an accusatory "AHA!" when he sees him because apparently vending machine use is illegal? Doc turns on the charm. Dutch is not buying it and chews Walsh out for his rangers having time for soft drinks instead of defending them against all the evil forces that Walsh keeps telling them about.

Yeah, next thing you know, they'll be wanting meals and a couple of hours of sleep. Fucking lazy Rangers. Besides, there was the time the Queen blew chunks out of Earth's moon, you fucking moron.

I'm more tense than usual, possibly because right behind Walsh and Dutch, Buzzwang and his idiot bots are dashing past.

Doc is indignant and points out that they never have a moment's rest. He invites him to stick around and see that they're always on their toes. And then he trips. Dutch finds this amusing, because he's an asshole.

In space, Slade is on his convoy of stolen ships, definitely not the same type as the Armada ones which blows my thought earlier out of the water. Dutch is now even more stupid than previously asserted. Anyway, he's gloating that by this time tomorrow the Queen's crypt will be full of humans and he'll be king of the universe.

Yeah, right. Seriously, even if you WIN, there's no way that's happening. The Plagos seem amused though. They head to Earth.

One of the Buzzbots, a Jukebox Buzzwang calls Juke of Earl (Goddamnit, I hate you Buzzwang) runs up to Dutch, with Buzzwang chasing after. Dutch rears up for the verbal outrage, but fortunately is interrupted by an impending invasion.

Slade of course appears on the viewscreen, his drama is curtailed lightly by the plago in the back waving. I love that plago. Zach has also materialized in the crowd watching the transmission.

Walsh orders the cannons primed, but the Premier interrupts. Walsh snaps that it's not the Premier's decision, and he agrees. It's Lazarus Slade's! The Premier is a robot!

Okay, that was kind of cool actually. So how long has that guy been replaced by a robot? Did that guy ever exist? It would certainly bring question to the other time he apparently docked BETA's budget. He dramatically falls apart, filling the room with knockout gas.

Hmm. Point to you, Slade. The gas spreads through the mountain. Buzzwang points out that the robot is not Dutch. Thank you, Buzzwang. We wouldn't have guessed. Zozo for his part brings a gas mask to Q-Ball. But Q-Ball collapses first. Poor Zozo tries to go to other human personel, pointing out that the gas is only affecting some, but to no avail. Slade laughs.

Buzzwang, Waldo and the Kiwi are awake, but no one else is throughout the whole facility. They're the only ones left to repel the invasion. Wonderful. The station rocks and Waldo shouts to everyone to get the defense shields up. I think Waldo's gained weight.

Buzzwang holds up what, I swear to god, looks like a slightly rectangular vibrator and then inserts it into the panel. ...Right. Anyway, he says he'll get them up fast, but the others have to act quickly. Waldo orders Zozo to launch the fighters, but Zozo points out the lack of pilots. Waldo thinks, then orders the defense satellites activated. Zozo points out with some acidity that he's a FARMER and doesn't KNOW defense satellites.

I like that Zozo really is the smarter of the two.

Buzzwang is having trouble though, and the panel sparks pink electricity back at him. A weird AI who isn't JV or Alma pops up and warns that shields are down. Waldo and Zozo go to the laser cannons. Buzzwang tries but is still plugged in.

I love that Zozo the Farmer can shoot a laser cannon. Weeds must grow big on Kirwin. They're not having a whole lot of luck hitting them unfortunately.

The shuttles fly in close and start shooting directly at the doors. Waldo orders the hatches double bolted, while Zozo says they'll get some weapons and hold them back manually. I love Zozo and his gung-ho psychopathy.

Slade and his shuttles fly past flames and into the hanger bay. He needs a battering ram though. "Something incredibly thick and hard." Okay then. He points to a plago.

Meanwhile, Waldo, Zozo and Buzzwang hold a nice big gun on the entrance, while the Plagos use their fellows to break down the door. Slade orders them to get the humans.

The standoff doesn't last very long, though the blast does at least knock Slade and company back a bit even though the recoil knocks them over. They run off, and Slade and the Plagos give chase. Just as some were about to split off, presumably to harvest humans, the kiwi kids pop up to complicate the chase.

Meanwhile in the control room, Buzzwang is still incompetent. The AI decides to activate the automatic destruct sequence. Buzzwang is all "You can't do that." The AI points out that with all the sensitive data and such, he kind of has to. Buzzwang holds up an arm, and urges him to wait, before activating the delay.

It seems to defeat the purpose when your self-destruct has a snooze button.

One plago chases the kids into a room, where it gets caught in the slamming door. A whole mess of others chase after Waldo and Zozo. They're creepy. All little with big grabby arms. They kind of look like nerd candies. Waldo and Zozo duck into a room, only to find MORE creepy aliens. Ew.

Buzzwang is an idiot. The AI is all "You can stop pressing the delay." And then he does. Then the AI's all "Hah! Doing it now!" Buzzwang rushes back to the button. And I hate them all.

The kids lead another poor Plago into their room of death, where they promptly seal him off and start biting him. It's vicious. And sad. Because these kids? Totally more competent than Buzzwang.

The Ambassadors run more. Meanwhile, the Plagos and Slade end up in the control room. Buzzwang yells that they're not allowed in there, and Slade's not allowed in there either, but any menace that isn't already negated by his appearance, voice and incompetence is negated by the fact that he's still pressing that goddamn snooze alarm. Slade of course drops his death card.

Slade orders the plagos to gather the humans, while he deals with his "metal-plated friend." He draws a gun. Honestly, that seems like overkill to me. He orders Buzzwang's hand's up, Buzzwang demurs, and the AI mocks him. I like that AI.

Back to the kids. They're sticking with what works: leading the plagos into closing doors. They're still the most competent folk in this episode. Though FINALLY, they end up grabbed by one of the plago. Elsewhere other plago are using their fellows as battering rams to get inside.

Meanwhile Waldo and Zozo have gotten back to the warehouse. Waldo comments that they need something to fight with and make their last stand. Zozo, as always faster on the uptake, is already opening a crate with a crowbar. His notion: use the Buzzbots! Waldo is less enthused, but I'll go with Zozo here. If anyone knows capacity for destruction it's Zozo.

Zozo points out that Waldo would probably take a "size 42 psychocrypt" and Waldo agrees to fire them up. Outside, the plago are still battering, until one stretches and presses the actual button, opening the door.

A) Wow plago are stupid. B) Didn't either of you idiot ambassadors think to LOCK the DOOR?!

A cola machine orders them to defend themselves, the plago laugh, but then get pelted by soda cans. Okay, Buzzwang, you may have redeemed yourself a bit with the combat vending machines. Those are well armed appliances! They also go to save the Kiwi kids.

Oh god, Slade is now trying to PULL Buzzwang's hands up. Just shoot him, you fucking moron!

I hate this episode.

The kiwi kids are rescued, and the machines lead the plago on merry chases into the control room itself. Slade doesn't take this well and it's all generally chaotic. Eventually Slade has enough of the insanity and leaves, the smartest thing he's done all episode. Unfortunately, he meets up with a robot who punches him in the face, knocking him out.

The AI is starting to annoy me a LOT. Meanwhile Buzz takes his hand off the snooze to wipe non-existant sweat from his brow. Goddamnit, I hate you Buzzwang. You don't have sweat glands. He does end up pressing the button.

The plago flee. Also, we find out from Buzzwang that the pudgy kid's name is Peewee. (The other kids were named in the Magnificent Kiwi: Bud and Sweetie) Good to know. Zozo and Waldo are happy. Buzzwang manages at least one more idiotic release of the button, but fortunately the invasion is repelled so there's no need to blow up.

The humans all wake up. Including Niko who apparently just appeared out of nowhere. Okay then. Still no Gooseman, but then perhaps he's the lucky one. Walsh doesn't seem displeased by the turn of events anyway, and Slade gets carried off to the brig. Q-Ball congratulates Buzzwang on his bots saving the day. He comments that they're built to last. Then of course, they fall over.

I hate this episode.

There is a funny quip about 7 million dollars not buying what it used to, mostly for Q-Ball's reaction.

Finally, back on Tortuna, the Queen is briefed by the jester who reports on the "secret new weapon." Which they brought back to study. The Queen is happy: she has hyperdrive ships, a weapon, and no more Slade.

Why didn't she just psychocrystal him?

The jester comments that all missions ought to be so successful, and she threatens him with the psychocrypt. The coffee machine disembarks (the plago seem to be enjoying their coffee) and sprays her with coffee. The plago then take off with the ship. Heh.

End of episode. Thank the fucking gods.

--

Okay, I have to say, it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. But it was still pretty wretched.

And Buzzwang yet again gets rewarded for incompetence. I hate Buzzwang.

The kiwi kids continue to be adorable though, and surprisingly competent.

I suppose what's the most disappointing thing about the episode is that there were some really interesting seeds in here. I'm FASCINATED about the idea of future Galaxy Ranger-era politics. And seeing the kind of machinations and ass-kissing Walsh has to do to keep BETA running smoothly is interesting

The budget stuff was kind of interesting too.

Also, I liked seeing Waldo and Zozo resume leadership roles. They're actually not too bad at it. And I liked the thought of combat appliances as a backup security system.

That said, the negatives vastly outweighed the positives. The Rangers had almost no screentime, and Walsh's interesting plot gets upstaged by an idiot robot. Hmph.

Fortunately, this episode just makes me appreciate the GOOD episodes more. Heh.