An Irrational Mermaid Rant

I'm approaching finals time, so as a warning, you guys will probably be seeing a lot more examples of irrational ranting from yours truly. Today's subject? Mermaids. And how they're fucking creepy.

I mean, just the idea of a mermaid. Half fish, half person. It's just creepy. Don't get me wrong, as a little girl in swim class I definitely liked playing at being a mermaid and always thought Ariel was stupid for giving up the awesome ocean for Eric the idiot (if nothing else, I didn't see why she couldn't have negotiated a transform-at-will deal.)

But the older I get, the creepier I find mermaids in general. I mean...for one, how do they breathe? I mean, okay, I could buy them being aquatic mammals like dolphins and having lungs, but they're always portrayed at the BOTTOM of the ocean. They'd need gills right? Where are the gills? And how can they stay in one place in water? Don't gills require movement?

And what do they eat? Fish have big mouths to swallow little things whole. Is that what mermaids do? Proportionately, human mouths aren't very big. How can they all have beautiful singing voices when you kind of need air to sing.

And really, I can't stop thinking of how, when I was eight, my dad kept his goldfish tank in the dining room and EVERY TIME I looked up they were going to the bathroom, so to speak. It was gross! And always during meal times. Do mermaids do that too? Ew.

Also, that hair is decidedly impractical underwater. And don't get me started on the shell bikini thing, because 1) OW. 2) How the hell do they stay up? 3) OW!!! 4) What's the point when they don't seem to have any need for bikini bottoms, and 5) How the hell do they find such uniform shells to begin with?!

Hmph.