Pretty, Fizzy Paradise

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

I Should Never Write Comics Ever.

Okay, I think this amounts to reason number #872 why I should never be allowed to write comics:

See, remember way back when (or maybe just a week or two ago) I posted about how there really ought to be Apollo and Midnighter type analogues for Captain America and Iron Man.

God help me, I actually started thinking about it.

Specifically I started to think about a Wildstorm-esque Multiverse Earth for Marvel. With a dark funhouse mirror version of the Avengers in the same way the Authority is a dark funhouse mirror of the JLA. ...I'm not counting the scary evil rapist sorts that already showed up in the Authority.

I should warn, I'm not actually a huge fan of the Authority. I'm fond of quite a few of the characters in and of themselves, and I think Apollo and Midnighter's relationship is adorable. But in the end, I find the Authority to be a little too enamored with its own hardcore edginess.

Of course being a DC girl at heart, I've always had the impression that Marvel goes for a bit more of the edginess than DC. So a Wildstorm-esque AU, as a hardcore self-satisfyingly edgy version of the "edgier" of the Big Two companies makes me giggle.

Because honestly, if we're working on a scale ratio relation here. If this Marvel!Wildstorm is the same percentage of faux-edginess to regular Marvel as the Authority is to DC...there's no way that won't end up completely insane.

All-Star Batman level insane. At least! The lunacy would be glorious.

Of course, this pretty much means that this equivalent of Tony Stark is going to end up worse than Hank Pym in the Ultimate Universe. Because that's how this sort of thing rolls. (Marvel hates happy couples, y'know. :-P)

Anyway, figuring out an analogue for Cap was hard. Because, just as Apollo and Midnighter are pretty clearly Superman and Batman derived, they're not really parody so much as satire, and thus are fully realized in their own right. So the trick is making a Cap that is still clearly derived from Captain America, but still clearly NOT Captain America and really doesn't have all that much in common with him aside from a few scattered surface traits.

Fortunately my friend Flidget was around for my over-caffeinated, sleep deprived babbling and figured out a solution. See, I was all about cutting out the nationalistic element all together, since I didn't see a way to go about it without making it too obvious. She had the brilliant suggestion of making him a patriotic symbol for a fictional country with some similarities to Costa Rica instead.

Which opens so many doors for clumsy political satire. I'm particularly fond of the idea of this nameless hero as an allegory for well-meaning but incredibly clueless American colonial mindset. In my head, he's a very stereotypical blond, blue-eyed, white American WASP sort that ends up being handed over to the country all: "Here, we know you don't have an army, so here's a superhero to protect you!"

So you get some poor guy shipped off to a country that isn't particularly sure they want him. I mean, sure, superheroes are useful, but they didn't ask for him, didn't really need him, and he probably brings a lot more problems than he'd solve.

Fortunately, he's got no intention to become a dictator, but THEY don't know that. So there's all sorts of problems while he bumbles around all well meaning and crap, while destabilizing everything with his mere presence.

Naturally, this would extend to Tony's analogue becoming the symbolic face of cruel, soulless corporate America.

Hey, what's the point of a faux-edgy universe, if you're not going to use it to make incredibly clumsy, one-sided, and over simplified political statements that'll manage to annoy even people who share your political affiliation.

But anyway, yeah, the entire relationship would be an incredibly heavy-handed, incoherent attack on globalization policies. Tony's analogue would naturally be cartoonishly cruel, abusive, and use his poor downtrodden though truly heroic husband!

The poor Costa Rica Captain's in denial. He keeps insisting it's perfectly fine. They're just a little kinky that's all. They have safewords! It's not evil Corporate America's fault that he's sometimes too enthusiastic to hear them, or remember what they mean!

Eventually of course, the evil Corporate America's character will be inevitably disgraced/killed and replaced by a kinder, gentler liberal or more likely moderate conservative (the better for cheerful political debate) successor. And things will gradually work themselves out in a somewhat healthier way...eventually.

I ought to be really nervous about how easy it is to think of incredibly ham-handed political allegories, shouldn't I?

Of course, Apollo and Midnighter are only part of the Authority, so these two would also be a part of a team as well.

But fortunately, when I try to conceive of an allegory for Spider-Man or the Hulk in this universe, my brain completely stalls. It proves I have some sanity left. Maybe.



Damnit. The ideas are starting to hit. Fuck it, I'm going to bed. :-)


  • At August 23, 2007 10:08 AM, Anonymous Open Mike said…

    That's an awesome idea! A hundred plots and supporting characters suggest themselves. It could run for years!

    Why DON'T you write comics?

  • At August 24, 2007 12:24 AM, Blogger Willow said…

    If you're spreading things out a bit and also going for "Genetically Engineered" then Storm could be "Angry Black Goddess" and Wolverine could be "Vertically Challenged" - and his hair is what extends into claws.

    I'm just saying....

    It doesn't all have to be -globally- political

  • At August 24, 2007 1:04 AM, Blogger kalinara said…

    open mike:

    Same reason as anyone else. No one's hired me. :-)


    Heh, that's true!

    Heck, since the X-Men are different than the Avengers, that means more team analogues. So more writers can clumsily shoehorn in politics as well!

    Everyone can join in the fun! :-)

  • At August 24, 2007 1:06 AM, Blogger Blake said…

    Wait . . . so, Civil War was caused by somebody not following the safewords?

  • At August 24, 2007 7:18 PM, Blogger kalinara said…


    To put it simply: yes.

  • At August 24, 2007 8:31 PM, Anonymous Bariman1987 said…

    I've got an idea for a Spider-Man analogue, if you want. So there's an government program to genetically engineer a race of super-soldiers, by combining human DNA with animal and insect DNA. The engineering requires there to be two X-Chromosomes, so all the super-soldiers have to be female. One of the embryoes is implanted into a couple working for the program, but they don't monitor and test her powers (like putting her in dangerous situations) as closely as the Program wants and are killed in an "accident." Girl is sent to live with her "aunt and uncle" in Chicago, who are actually other Program Agents who intend to test and monitor her more closely. Girl gets to be a teenager and hints of her powers start developing, but she thinks they came from an science accident she had with an animal or insect. (Like she fell in a pool of toxic waste with a cat when she was little.)

    The Program Agents hate each other, so when a robber breaks in, the "aunt" takes the opportunity to kill the "uncle" and blame it on the robber. Girl learns her beloved uncle is dead, makes a quick disguise/costume (she's a catgirl cosplayer), and uses her powers to capture him. (He's killed by the Program in jail, to keep him quiet.)

    So she continues to be a superhero, and decides to keep her superheroic activities from her aunt (who knows all of this all along) for fear she might have a heart attack. Aunt secretly monitors her, and Girl doesn't know why her "cat-senses" keep going off around her aunt. She even uses her scientific know-how to build a hand-held Hairball Launcher.

    Eventually, the Program tries to capture her and the whole truth comes out. The "Cheerful Kittycat of Chicago" becomes slightly disallusioned about her life being a lie. OR! she thinks being a secret agent would be cool and joins voluntarily. But she refuses to do assassinations and the like, and is horrified they even asked.

    For "shock" value (or just to be mean), it turns out her longtime boyfriend is actually the product of a decades-long eugenics program the government has been secretly been running since the concept of eugenics came about. The program(s) wanted the guy to impregnate her to get a baby (or babies) with ultimate-human and animal-enhanced human DNA.

    She even learns she was one of only a small portion of the hybrids that got a normal life: the others were raised as soldiers from birth, but due to that environment most of them die in training or kill each other over minor disputes. The rest really aren't fit to be real soldiers, just suicide mission/kill squad fodder.

    ...Wow, that was a long idea. I only originally intended it to be maybe two paragraphs. Sorry.

  • At August 27, 2007 5:42 AM, Blogger Tricia said…

    bariman198, I thought Dark Angel was canceled?

  • At April 20, 2011 3:33 AM, Anonymous Reversal of Tubal Ligation said…

    information well and good ... I like your way of thinking.
    Thanks for sharing


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