Pretty, Fizzy Paradise

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Saturday, December 23, 2006


Apparently, I may have the opportunity to FINALLY watch the David Hasselhoff Nick Fury movie. This pleases me more than you possibly know. I'm looking forward to putting it in my mental file of "so stupid, it's good." There's no way it couldn't be.

It does get me thinking though. I love David Hasselhoff, but naturally he's a completely horrible fit for Nick Fury, as anyone with a brain cell can tell. Oddly though, this makes the movie even more appealing to me.

Anyone can make a list of actors that really suit the characters from the comic books, but I think it takes real skill to pull a Keanu Reeves as John Constantine out of your ass. So naturally, this means I want to try to make the most appalling casting choices ever, to create MY ultimate Justice League ever!

Superman: Jack Black. Screw Green Lantern. Go straight to the top. I do actually like Mr. Black as an actor, he's got a very appealing charm. But I can't honestly think of anyone LESS suited for Superman. So there you go.

Batman: Hmm. Handsome, charming millionaire by day, creepy bat-fetisher by night. I'm half tempted to suggest George Clooney, but well, Joel Schumacher beat me to it. :-) I suppose I'd go with my second choice. Dwight Schultz from the A-Team. Failing that, I'd choose the guy who played Horshack on Welcome Back Kotter.

Wonder Woman: I was going to cheat and say Paris Hilton, but honestly she's not really an actor. I saw parts of House of Wax. I think perhaps I'd go with Heather Graham in her Austin Powers "Felicity Shagwell" role. Because it amuses me.

Flash (Wally West version): Patrick Stewart. I don't really need to explain this one, do I?

Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner version): Hmm. I'd go with Bruce Willis. Because I can.

Now I'd stick them on a moonbase with a few other horrible horrible casting jobs and watch the fun begin.

By "fun", I mean "fanboy screaming".

This is probably why it's a good thing I'm not working in Hollywood...


  • At December 23, 2006 5:47 AM, Anonymous Loren said…

    Oooh! Fun!

    I would have to agree with you about there being nobody less suited for Superman other than Jack Black...unless you want to say, oh...Ron Palillo, TV's Arnold Horshack.

    I love Paul Lynde, but I can't imagine him as But, let's go with actors who are alive. Sticking on the Welcome Back, Kotter theme, John Travolta could never pull off the Dark Knight.

    Kristen Chenoweth plays a wonderful Glinda the Good Witch in Wicked, but Wonder Woman she is not. Nor Amy Sedaris, another actress who I love but could never play the Amazonian Princess.

    As for Wally West, I'm going with Colin Firth. I think he's a great actor, but he plays characters that are so stiff that I can't imagine him being able to tap into the Speed Force.

    Ben Stiller would not be a good fit for Kyle Rayner. Actually, he wouldn't be a good fit for Hal either. Nor Guy Gardner. And, I don't think I have to mention John Stewart.

    But, let's keep going. I could not see Will Smith playing Black Lightning. I was going to go with Flava Flav, but that would have been too easy.

    Ben Affleck, despite his similar liberal political leanings, could not play Oliver Queen. Nor could he play Matt Murdock...oh, wait...

    Samo Hung would be a bad choice for Ryan Choi, the All-New Atom...and so would Jackie Chan.

    I may enjoy Arnold Schwarzenegger as an action movie star (although, not as a governor), could you imagine him swinging through New York as Peter Parker?

    Oh, I could keep going...but, I'll stop here.

  • At December 23, 2006 10:04 AM, Blogger Ragtime said…

    Superman: Woody Allen (Annie Hall era)

    Wonder Woman: Callista Flockhart (Ally McBeal). (I was tempted to go with Diane Keaton for some good comedy bits with Superman.)

    Batman: Sylvester Stallone (Rocky IV era)

    Flash: Fred Berry (Re-Run from What's Happening!)

    Green Lantern: Dick van Dyke

    Green Arrow: Rob Morrow (Northern Exposure era)

    Black Canary: Rhea Pearlman (Carla from "Cheers".) Shelly Long could be a good Wonder Woman in that version. Which lead to . . .

    Oracle: Danny DeVito.

  • At December 23, 2006 12:07 PM, Anonymous "Starman" Matt Morrison said…

    I think I can top you on all of these. But I'm going to handicap myself to actors that are still alive right now. Otherwise, I'll be too tempted to consider truly unlikely casting like John Wayne as Green Arrow.

    Superman: Keannu Reeves. You thought he was bad as ol' ConJob? Just imagine him "woahing" and cursing through a JLA movie.

    Batman: Adam Sandler. To prove that trying to be funny as Batman is even worse than unintentionally being funny as Batman.

    Wonder Woman: Reese Witherspoon - because I can't think of anyone worse than the queen of Stupid Spoiled Whore Romantic Comedies.

    The Flash: Harrison Ford - not even as Jay Garrick, which would be the only age-appropriate version of The Flash he could do today. But more importantly, he can't play warm, open characters (which anyone playing Jay would have to be) and as recently as Firewall he couldn't move at a light trot without looking like he was wheezing.

    Green Lantern (John Stewart): Jon Stewart. I actually like Jon as an actor but... action hero he ain't.

    Hawkgirl: Sandra Bullock. Yes, I know she got her start playing "the babe" in action movies. I've still always found her to be as threatening (and as annoying) as wet tissue paper.

    Aquaman: Michael Palin from Monty Python.

    Martian Manhunter: Mel Brooks. No reason other than I just think it'd be funny to have J'onn be totally CGI and to have Mel's voice.

    Green Arrow: Andy Dick. Do I really need to explain why?

    Black Canary: Jessica Simpson Yeah, I know she's as much an actress as Paris Hilton - I'm still putting her here.

  • At December 23, 2006 7:17 PM, Blogger Sinspired said…

    I sincerely doubt any list that you can come up with on this site can beat the horrid casting of the actual JLA pilot.

  • At December 23, 2006 9:37 PM, Blogger SallyP said…

    You are evil. But hilarious!

  • At December 23, 2006 10:17 PM, Blogger LurkerWithout said…

    Casting Powers of Wrong ACTIVATE:

    Superman: Who could be better for the role of Kansas farm boy from space that the magnificant ICE-CUBE. He's the Super Brother From Another Planet.

    Batman: As he showed in previous work, Jon Heder has the martial arts chops to play the Dark Knight.

    Wonder Woman: Nia Vardolos is Greek. Amazons are Greek. What more need be said?

    Green Lantern: Sure the fan boys will want Hal and the fan girls will want Kyle and the kid JLU fans will want John. But its best that this all new reimagined JLA goes with THE AMERICAN HERO, Guy Gardner. And who is Guy's favorite actor? Sly! A perfect fit all around!

    The Flash: Wally's a young, snot-nosed kid. And so who better than tv's Malcom, Frankie Muniz!

    Martian Manhunter: He's a big green dude. Lou Ferrigno has experiance playing that. Jon smash puny humans!

    And finally Aquaman. I bet you all forgot he was one of the core members didn't you. Not me! No actor could possibly master the gravitas of the King of Atlantis like Ashton Kutchner. Dude, wheres my hand?

  • At December 24, 2006 12:15 AM, Anonymous chuck said…

    All this talk of 'inspired' casting reminds me of a skit from the early days of SNL: John Belushi as Hulk, Dan Aykroyd as Clark/Superman, Jane Curtain as Lois Lane, Garrett Morris as the Flash...

  • At December 26, 2006 11:00 AM, Blogger David C said…

    Your memory's a bit off on the SNL bit. Margot Kidder was the guest host, playing Lois Lane, and Garrett Morris was Ant-Man, who everybody made fun of for having "all the powers of a ant."

    They did an outstanding costuming job on the various heroes, BTW. I think I read somewhere that some DC and Marvel people actually helped out with that.


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