Pretty, Fizzy Paradise

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Saturday, June 02, 2007

This Is Not a Post...

My most recent search query is "what is gl sex?"

I'm sure "GL" is some sort of term that I would much rather not know the meaning of, but if you think of it from a comic fan perspective, it's pretty fucking funny.

I mean, possibilities of the ring aside...

Imagine a Green Lantern teaching a sex education class. Well, not John, John is refreshingly sane.

But one of the others? Hal? Kyle? GUY?

Heh, if I wrote comics, that'd so end up being a situation one of them would have to face. Not sure how. Or why. But at some point, that scene would be there.

For the record, my second most recent search term has to do with Spiderman and the Invisible Woman having sex.

...You people are waaay too preoccupied with superhero sex-lives. Sheesh. Besides, if she were gonna cheat on Reed, she's got Namor. Why the heck would she settle for Peter? Just sayin'...


  • At June 02, 2007 6:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can see it now: "Aliens, Sex, and You: What's Legal, Ethical, and OK"

    Hal would be banned from teaching it.

  • At June 02, 2007 8:04 AM, Blogger GiantKillerMantis said…

    Here's how i envision the "Guy teaches sex-ed class":

    Panel one, in a classroom on Oa; Guy and a bunch of Lantern recruits
    Guy introduces himself as the best Lantern ever (dissing Hal offhandedly in the process), and the most accomplished sex god ever.

    Panel two
    Guy uses his ring to create a 3D illustration. Most of the illustration is off-panel. All we see is a hand, a back or butt, maybe a tentacle, an antenna, or some other odd appendage.

    Panel three, exterior shot of the building
    All the Lantern recruits running, flying, hurling themselves out of the building. Many are screaming, some are crying, some looking at the sky and asking how a compassionate God could allow a sentient to imagine such perversions.

    Panel four, back in the classroom, closeup on Guy
    Guy says "Ah, come back, ya babies! I ain't even got to the kinky stuff yet!"

  • At June 02, 2007 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Guy: Yo, you little pipsqueaks, Honor Guard Green Lantern Guy Gardner, the greatest Lantern who ever was, is, or ever will be - and also the greatest in temporal-less pocket dimensions where the very idea of time is but an abstract conception of feverish minds - is in the house!

    Guy: What, no "yay?"

    Class (unenthusiastic): Yay.

    Guy: Good, not great, but I don't got all day. Somebody's gotta show the entire universe how much better they could have it. Now class, are you ready for the sheer, unadulterated badassery of my teaching you about sex?!

    Class (unenthusiastic): Yes, Mr Gardner.

    Guy: You kids on valium or something? Whatever.

    Guy: Sex. Balling. Hanky Panky. The ol' in-out in-out, feeding the beast with two backs. Whatever you call it, sex is a wonderful thing, especially when I'm involved.

    Guy: For sex, you need arousal. Women usually get aroused by thinking of me. And guys in turn get aroused by thinking of chicks, unless they're weird, in which case they think of me too. I'm okay with that, really. I can't blame them. I'm a pretty big temptation, I don't know how everybody around me stands it.

    Guts: Guys have dicks, and when guys get turned on, a bunch of blood goes to their dick and it gets longer and harder. This is an erection or "boner" to use the scientific term.

    Guy: Now chicks, human chicks at least, have vaginas, which is like the coolest hole ever. When members of the fairer sex get hot under the collar (ie. when I'm around) their vaginas get all wet and slippery. Ideal conditions for going in deep.

    Guy: If you're not careful with sex, you can get a disease, or worse, you can get the chick pregnant. This has never happened to yours truly 'cause I'm smart and always use a rubber. You kids wanna be smart like Mr. Gardner, right?

    Class (unenthusiastic): Yes, Mr Gardner.

    Guy: Now, as awesome as my little talk was, it ain't nothing without visual aides. Without further ado, let my ring show you how sex is done.

    (He creates a ring construct off panel)

    Guy: Now here's me and Power Girl, this totally stacked blonde who has a thing for me, playing a game of hide the sausage. Now, truth be told, we've never actually done the horizontal mambo together, but don't we make a cute couple?

    Guy: Class, I asked you a question.

    Class (unenthusiastic): Yes, Mr Gardner.

  • At June 02, 2007 11:52 AM, Blogger SallyP said…

    Well...if it is a choice between Namor and Peter, I'd have to say that Namor wins all the way. He may be rude, but at least he's not a whiner.

    And yes, John IS refreshingly sane.

    But I would imagine that a sex-ed class on Oa as taught by any of the other Earth GL's would be VERY popular.

  • At June 02, 2007 2:46 PM, Blogger Rob S. said…

    To put your mind at ease: "gl sex" might be someone's shorthand for gay/lesbian sex.

    then again, it might be a fish fetishist's misspelling of "gill sex," so ya never know..

  • At June 02, 2007 2:49 PM, Blogger Ragnell said…

    I can't believe no one's thought of the STD Briefing yet. I mean, the GLC is a military-style organization. THEY have to have a safe-sex seminar for shore leave!

  • At June 02, 2007 3:31 PM, Blogger Zaratustra said…

    And there's a -lot- of bizarre STDs you can get from alien races!

    Also, Spider Man with Invisible Woman reminds me of a joke...


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