Pretty, Fizzy Paradise

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

On the twilight movie

Well. The meme worked for a few days at least. :-)

Okay, so I mentioned watching Twilight a few days ago, so I thought maybe I'd blog about it.

As a measure of warning, I tried reading the first book once, put it down and never looked back. My friend however is a huge Twilight fan, and in exchange for me dragging her off to the American Idol concert (...shut up) and making her watch horrible comic book movies, I had to watch this.

So yeah. Here are my thoughts from the movie, in no particular order:

- What the fuck is up with Edward's hair?!

- Edward is the WORST secret vampire ever.

- Vampire Dad is kind of hot, though, for all that they really overdid the talcum powder. Apparently the actor is Italian-American. A platinum blond dye-job is a mean thing to do to an Italian. Or anyone, really.

- Vampire Mom is a non-entity.

- I'd probably like the bitchy Vampire sister, if I didn't know the VERY cliched backstory that made her a bitch. I know it though, so I hate her.

- Psychic Vampire chick isn't so bad.

- Sparkling vampires is even more stupid when you can see it.

- Apparently the one with the most interesting backstory is the one who follows the psychic girl around and lurks.

- I liked that the high school kids actually commented on the creepy incestuous undertones in the vampire house.

- Vampire Dad's superpower, according to my friend, is to be so in control that he is never hungry for human blood. Basically, his power is the Vampire equivalent of anorexia.

- Baseball game was actually, legitimately cool.

- My friend Matt (also roped into watching with us) comment on the scene where the bad vampires meet the good vampires was: "It's like rock stars facing off with mormons"

- their reasons for going to high school all the time still make no sense.

- Edward is really irritating.

- Why does no one wonder how a guy who's apparently around 25 is the foster father of a bunch of kids around 17-ish? I'm 26, and no one would trust ME with a Japanese Peace Lily.

- And for the record, Robert Pattinson looks about as 17 as I do.

- Sparkling aside, the vampire family's freaky domesticity is infinitely more interesting than the high school crap that dominated way too much of the movie.

- From what my friend tells me, the Vampire Dad once spent like years trying to off himself. Oddly I find that more badass than Edward's own stupid "I'm a monster!" angst. Probably because he didn't whine about it.

- I think I would actually, legitimately and unironically have enjoyed the movie if it were about the Vampire Dad. His backstory is interesting, and I like any vegetarian/pacifist vampire that builds his own cult family, rather than angst about it. It'd be very Joseph-Smith-allegory, but religious allegories sometimes make great fantasy.

- It would also have been interesting if it were about the psychic girl and her lurking boyfriend.

- Bella's not as irritating as in the book, though she isn't particularly interesting either. Her klutziness seems to pop up very conveniently and then disappear like it never was.

- Bella's dad is kind of great though.

- Wolf boy is kind of hot, but pretty substance free. My friend says that'll change. All I know is that apparently he'll have a thing for her fetus, so I'm pretty much doomed to be squicked out by this character forever.

- Bitchy girl's boyfriend is nearly as much a non-entity as the mom. He does seem enthusiastically violent though.

- Vampire Mom's power by the way is apparently her capacity for great love. Basically "Heart" without the vaguely useful telepathy. Wonderful. I can't decide if that's better or worse than Vampire anorexia.

- I love how Edward keeps trying to spirit Bella away because she's endangered by the evil vampire. Because the safest place is totally on the run. As opposed to being in the midst of an entire small army of vampires, all ready and waiting for that ONE pursuer.

- Edward is an idiot.

- I want all the useless school kids to die. Except when they justifiably look at Edward like he's a total freak.

- Worst secret vampire EVER.


In truth, having seen the movie, I really do think the critics who are all "this makes young girls think unhealthy relationships are good!" are pretty silly. This is clearly wish-fulfillment, and is no worse than Disney fairytales (Win true love by neglecting your family, utterly transforming yourself, or mild sexual assault!) or romance novels.

Edward and Bella are clearly stupid teenagers living out stupid teenage fantasies. It's harmless. Yeesh.

Had fun bitching at it, though. Might even watch the next. With copious amounts of alcohol. :-P


  • At September 23, 2009 10:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Am I missing something? What Disney Fairytale has mild sexual assault?

  • At September 23, 2009 11:58 AM, Blogger LJ said…

    I keep saying that as a whole the non-Edward Cullen family came as refugees from a much better book.

    I keep waiting for Thursday Next to show up. "All right, all of you! Back to your universe. MARCH."

  • At September 23, 2009 1:21 PM, Blogger kalinara said…

    Anonymous: Kissing an unconscious person is both a minor sexual act and non-consensual. Princes Charming and Philip were fortunate they did not exist in a setting where the ladies were likely to press charges.

    LJ: Quite. :-) I'd read that book.

  • At September 24, 2009 9:21 AM, Blogger Diamondrock said…

    A delightful little rundown. It certainly made me laugh. I tell you, it's things like this (and Eragon) that make me believe I someday have a chance of getting published after all...

  • At September 26, 2009 11:43 AM, Blogger SallyP said…

    They really do sparkle? I thought that was just hyperbole!

  • At September 27, 2009 12:44 AM, Blogger kalinara said…

    they totally sparkle.


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